I knew something wasn’t right at the eight-week ultrasound. You could barely make out a wisp of a baby in the blurry black and white picture. It looked nothing like my son had at eight weeks, a tiny little peanut in the middle of the image.
“Let’s just wait a couple of weeks and take another look,” the ultrasound technician had assured me.
But there wouldn’t be another look.
The next morning, I woke up to find that I had bled through my panty-liner. Rationally, I understood what was happening, but I hoped and prayed it wasn’t true. I called my husband at work and told him to meet me at the hospital.
When we got there, it took hours for the doctor to confirm what we already knew: we had lost the baby.
In the days that followed, I went through a whirlwind of emotions as I struggled to accept what had happened. Part of me realized that I had things I needed to take care of; bereavement hours to log, prenatal appointments to cancel, and a son to care for. Just because my world was crumbling around me didn’t mean I could curl into a ball and wait for the earth to pull me under.
But after the tasks subsided and the busyness dissolved, I was left with my emotions.
Afraid they would burst out of me like water from a broken main, I decided instead to start writing.
I had been writing children’s picture book manuscripts for about a year by that point, but that was the farthest thing from my mind as I poured my sadness, disappointment and anger onto the paper.
On the other side of the tear-dotted pages emerged the words “Dear Rainbow Baby.”
My husband Ryan and I didn’t even know if we could have another baby, or would want to, yet, writing a letter to a child who lived only in my imagination helped lift me from my grief. It forced me to look forward instead of backward. To be filled with hope, instead of hurt.
From this original letter, the manuscript for my debut picture book was born. I queried agents with the manuscript in early 2020. During this time, we found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. A few months later, I signed with my literary agent just as Covid-19 became a house-hold name and a worldwide fear.
Being pregnant is stressful during the best of times.
Being pregnant after a loss added a whole new level of anxiety. But being pregnant after a loss during a global pandemic was something else entirely.
My husband wasn’t allowed to come with me to my prenatal appointments, which meant I had to brave the cold exam tables and ultrasounds without my best friend. There was the ever-present fear of losing this child any time I cramped or experienced spotting. And no one understood the threat the virus posed on pregnant women or their babies.
As a military family set to PCS (permanent change of station) that summer, we had the added stressors of preparing our house and our son to move from Texas to California while I was 7 months pregnant.
Two weeks before my due date, my agent and I received an offer of publication for “Dear Rainbow Baby” from Clear Fork Publishing. That someone else felt as strongly about the story as I did was absolutely incredible. It turned out that the editor who acquired the book, Carrie Lovvorn (Metler), had suffered a miscarriage several years prior and was touched by the manuscript. It was at that moment I realized how important this book would be to others.
Our daughter arrived amid ferocious wildfires as they blazed through California wine country, within 30 minutes of our house. During those early hours of August 22, she was the first baby born at the Air Force base following the evacuation and subsequent reopening of the medical facility. And she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
We adorned her in a pink beanie with a rainbow on the front,
and I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy as I watched her doze on my chest. Though the term rainbow baby may not have meant much to her, holding her colored my world in light and love.
The book contract for “Dear Rainbow Baby” stated that it would publish in Spring 2022.
But as the season neared, supply chain delays had wreaked havoc on several industries, including publishing. Unfortunately, we had to postpone publication. As Callie and I reviewed potential publication dates in the summer. I suggested August 22. Not only was that my daughter’s birthday, but it was also National Rainbow Baby Day.
It was a long road for all of us. But on August 22, 2022, my picture book “Dear Rainbow Baby” was released into the world. I hope it brings hope and healing to those who read it, as it brought hope and healing to me and my family.
About the author:
Samantha Gassman is a children’s book author, Air Force veteran, military spouse, and mom to two kids and two cats. She is the author of HONOR FLIGHT (July 2022), DEAR RAINBOW BABY (Aug 22, 2022) and PEANUT AND BUTTER CUP (2024). Visit Samantha’s website to learn more.
