There is a debate going on about whether military spouses should say, “I serve too.” Depending on whether you are a military spouse or a military service member can determine your perspective on the answer. As both a military spouse and a veteran, I know both worlds well. Do military spouses serve in the military? No. Do military spouses make sacrifices? Of course. Being a military spouse is a lot harder than people expect or imagine, but serving in the military is a very, very different experience.
Military wives face a lot of unfair stereotypes, often get a bad rap, and are unfairly treated. Male military spouses are often completely forgotten about or not supported. Women serving in the military are often degraded, cast aside, or ignored. We face regular challenges of having to continually prove our worth each time we show up to a new assignment. Sometimes superiors look down us and don’t think we should be serving, but we’re here to stay.
Women serve in the military
To be honest, sometimes we find it hard to relate to women who are military spouses. Once when I was in the service I introduced my friend to my mom as “a military spouse.” My friend said she didn’t like to be introduced as just a military spouse. And I really didn’t understand why. Was I intentionally insulting her by saying who she was? Was I undermining her importance or value by introducing her as a military spouse? My first reaction was to be offended. I didn’t mean to hurt her with my words.
Years later I remembered this situation and understood how she felt. When someone takes all your value and worth and ties it into only two words: military spouse. I wish had taken the time to understand what she meant. To know her side before standing in her shoes. Military spouses and military members use the same words, but those words don’t always have the same meaning.
Spouses often say, “I serve too.”
Please understand that as a military veteran, when I hear those words, I hear you saying you are trying to take away the service that I made. I hear you say that you feel that your sacrifice of staying at home is the same as someone who risks their life to give the ultimate sacrifice.
As a military spouse, you might hear me saying that your role doesn’t matter – that the military could survive without military spouses. Or maybe you hear me and think I can’t understand so I must be wrong.
It’s hard getting both sides to listen.
To hear something that is different than what you believe and trying to come to the middle to understand what the other side is saying and why they are saying it. This inability to communicate and listen is causing a great divide between two groups of women who actually have a lot in common. And instead of pointing the finger or fighting with each other we should be working together and supporting each other.
So instead of saying I serve too, let’s agree that both women in the military and military spouses play important roles in the military community together. Women in the military are doing amazing things. And more doors are opening as time goes on, and we continue proving that we can do what others may not have thought possible. We keep proving ourselves as more than worthy.
Everyone should know the military could not continue without military spouses. It is the people who support our servicemen and women that make it so they have the ability to continue on. The sacrifices military spouses should never go unnoticed.
What can we do to make a difference? How can we change the culture?
First, if you are a military spouse stop saying, “I serve too.” I know it feels okay to say it, but since you don’t actually serve in the military stop saying that you do. Change the words to “I make sacrifices too.” If someone doesn’t agree with that statement then you have words and circumstances to help support you and possibly get someone to listen.
Second, if you are a female in the military and don’t think military spouses play an important role, get to know a few of these spouses. Find out the issues that are actually affecting them. Not just the ones you hear about in the gossip chain. You will find out military spouses are doing so many amazing things for the military community as a whole.
If we team up together and start listening and supporting each other, we can make such a positive impact. Let’s be the positive voice for change that the military community needs.
Always appreciat your experience expressed in your articles. ❤️
Thanks for reading. It means so much
I too have been on both sides, and I too feel the same about spouses saying they serve. I really like this article and appreciate your perspective. Bravo!
I appreciate these words. You could put the pastor’s wife in this same article and it would be the same truth so I know where you are coming from.
We had a wonderful ministry to military families when we ministered in Savannah years ago. Would love to do that again.
I am quickly learning how there are so many online organizations that allow people to support military families from where ever they are, but I know getting to do it face to face is special too. What did you do to support military families?
Great job tackling a tough issue. I believe military personnel serve our country. I believe military spouses support their military service man or service woman. Military families make incredible sacrifices to preserve freedom and keep our armed forces top notch, while raising families for the next generation.
Thank you for your service and support!
Thanks for reading. This is an article that I spent a lot of time writing and had help with a mentor writing. I am so glad that military spouses understand the words I am using to explain how I feel.
Amanda, parte del machismo que algunos Oficiales y Jefes Militares demuestran contra la Mujer Militar (y personalmente creo que más bien con el Personal Militar Femenino, que se encuentra en una actividad de oficinista),se hace presente cuando el personal masculino regresa a la base después de días de misión, Convivir con airman & airwoman como mecanicos de black haws en Bagram Air Field, fue una muestra de que sectores de nuestra militar si conviven perfectamente entre ambos géneros; siempre encontrarás algo negro en el arroz.
I’m a little confused by your comment. This article is about bridging the divide between women who serve and military spouses. Our male colleagues don’t really have a part to play in this particular article. Thanks for reading and commenting. My job required me to be out in the field with the guys. It wasn’t what I expected when I joined, but I did it.
Thanks for this article, I completely agree. As both a female veteran and military spouse, I like your idea of spouses saying “I sacrifice too “ instead of saying “I also serve.”
Aside from claims of “I serve too,” what really surprised me about military wives, and led to my alienation from them as a female service member, was their absolute willingness to assume that I’d sleep with any or all of their husbands if given half the chance! Where did that come from? Female service members are constantly fighting off sexual attention, harassment, discrimination, and sometimes even sexual assault. So having to deal with that suspicion from my colleagues’ wives was shocking to me. And disappointing, since I was the only female in my unit I was really hoping to make friends among the wives of my coworkers; instead I found myself having to prove I wouldn’t f#ck their husbands. For that reason, once I ETS’d and became a military wife, I never really became a part of the milspouse community. Which was, unfortunately, my loss.
That is so unfortunate. I was lucky and no one said that directly to my face and I became friends with many military spouses before leaving active duty. I still feel a divide at times, but I also have been supported by so many military wives I try to ignore the outliers.
To each their. I was married to the military 23 years and my sacrifices were always diminished by members and non members – how ever you phrase it. Single moms get more recognized yet that would have been easier. My sister whose ‘service’ was as a Canadian Cadet Instructor for 1 night a week and 1 weekend a summer has veteran status for volunteering her time.
Me I get put down my members like you.
There’s no life like it.
And no wife like it.
FROM SOMEONE WHO PICK A LOT OF SOLDIERS UP OFF THE GROUND FROM PTSD. WHO WORKED WITH SPECIAL NEEDS AUTISTIC CHILDREN. WHO HELP START THE MILITARY FAMILY RESOURCE CENTERS BECAUSE – THE MILITARY DOESN’T ISSUE YOU A WIFE.
We were the rear party … your welcome.