Before I blogged I wrote in my journal. I was reading through my journal entries and noticed two themes. Being a new mom is hard and being a new mom is hard. I thought it was interesting that the way I wrote in those early weeks and months. Even now a few years later I can tell that even in my private journal I was trying to prove to myself I was fine. I wasn’t even honest with the level of hardness when I was writing to myself. I kept trying to rationalize away the hardness, but at the end of so many entries I would write. Man this is hard, this is harder than expected, being a mom is hard work.
I guess deep down I knew it was hard, but before I had become a mom everything I believed about being a mom was pretty much rainbows and daisies. I mean people talked about a lack of sleep, but why would people do it over and over again if it was that bad. And my bigger question after finding myself “trapped” in the new role of motherhood was why was everyone so excited when I told them I was going to be a mom. Those first few months was not what I signed up for.
I seriously felt like they had tricked me into signing up for an easy club that was definitely not easy. But now as a mom of a two year old and soon to be mom of two boys I think I’m starting to learn the secret to why we go through those hard days, months and ultimately years.
Being Luke’s mom is so much fun and so rewarding so many days. We still have hard days, but they are a different kind of hard, now I’m trying to figure out how to be a good teacher and disciplinarian and control my flaws as well. I’m no longer searching for him to do something to know that it is worth it and he loves me. I know how much he loves me by so many of the things he does.
The way he hugs me…
The joy in his eyes when I pick him up after childcare…
The fun we have together…
He is growing into an amazing human being and I get to be a part of each stage of it. I get to watch him grow and change and turn into someone who wasn’t there a year earlier.
Being a parent isn’t easy, but it is so rewarding most days. I’m so excited about the new adventure to come as we transition from one to two. At least this time I know it will be hard, still not sure I’m actually ready, but I know a secret I didn’t know before.
It is so worth it.